I've been thinking a lot about happiness and how we let other people define it. I've also been thinking a lot about change and how it can be hard- very hard. I read some of old diary entries from when I was 15, today. It was odd: I saw similarities, I saw differences but mostly I saw an insecure teenage girl letting others define her happiness. 15 was an age of loss, and consequently strength. 16 was an age of loss, and consequently gains. And today I had an epiphany.
I am going to create my own happiness.
Looking back at the beginning of this year, I was so happy. Everything felt right, I fitted in, I had so many friends, I felt loved. And this, to me, was happiness. But things have changed now. And this time, I'm not going to be a 15 year old girl frightened of the movement, scared that without this definition of happiness she was never going to achieve it again. And hey, guess what? She did. She was strong, she found hope and for a short while it felt amazing.
Change. Again.
I've never really liked change. When life is good- change is unwanted. When life is harder- change is craved. And similarly to not letting other people define my happiness, I can't shape other people's around my own. Bursts. Some parts of your life are like bursts- they come in transient moments before leaving and then coming back again brighter, stronger before leaving once more. Maybe they'll come back? Maybe they won't. Some parts of your life are like skies, always there. Sometimes they're brighter, other times they're dimmer but still never wavering- still a beautiful sky. You don't need to hold on to the sky: the sky holds on to you. You can try to hold on to the bursts but it won't help. Change is inevitable, it's what keeps the world evolving, emotions changing, moments and bursts to keep happening.
I could look back at these bursts with sadness, mourning- wishing they could just stay a little longer. Recently, I haven't been in control of my own happiness. Now I need to change. Embrace your bursts, live under the sky but always remain in charge. These moments - as long or short as they are- enable me to adapt. They should be valued but not mourned because soon enough change will come again. And maybe, if you're lucky, they might come back... ready to be a sky.
"make a life out of what you have not what you're missing"
-J
picture from my tumblr
