feelings #2

It has been longer than a year since I last posted something titled 'feelings'. Another is long overdue. My last post was written at the beginning of my GCSE year. Reading that back I feel an overwhelming sense of achievement, accomplishment.

And yet now, with another set of exams looming over me,I feel demotivated. Relaxed even. Ideas about the future are toying with me, grappling with me, consuming my everyday. And they're not frightening, they're exciting. I'm excited. University, social media, writing, new friends, holidays, festivals, travel... so many experiences I've got to look forward to that it is becoming increasingly harder to  remain in the present. To ground myself. 

I have never been stationary. I  always look toward the next thing, searching for the next adventure. I am never complacent. And that can also hinder my progress. There's a book on my shelf- I call it my 'ideas book'- in which I plan and dream up developments on social media. Some days I wake up determined to 'make it' as a YouTuber. My tripod is ready, the camera recording and then I just f r e e z e. Slow down. Blink. Other days I wake up with a hunger for money- a greed for adventuring and the cost that it demands. 

I want so much. I keep wanting, I keep dreaming of more and more. 

It's obsessive. Success. And I'm so tired.

Living is running in to the ocean with your best friend, they say. Living is jumping out of a helicopter in a suit, YouTube will tell you. Living is performing in front of thousands of fans every evening, the media will scream. How can we not want more? 

Steps. Thoughts. Breathing. There are steps I need to take to reach university, to afford festivals and aeroplane tickets. These steps may seem tiresome, tedious even, but they are fundamental. Exceptionally so. There are thoughts I remind myself when I feel I'm losing reality- when I'm off in a dream scape and suddenly I'm the next big 'thing' with money and a fan base and a big house and movie premier's. There are breaths in between. Little things like laughing with my best friends; taking a walk; smiling at the old lady next to me on the bus; pushing myself at school/ work; dancing through the night. 

Because that's life isn't it? Living.

Thank you again for reading. 

-J

there's a world out there.

There's a world out there, she said. There were crinkles in her eyes as she did: like indentations on a map scorned over years of travel; thumb prints that marred the surface in gentle caresses. She tapped on  the window like it wasn't there. Like if she pushed hard enough she would fall. No, not fall. Infinity would catch her. Her eyes were the perfect echo of adventure. And when I searched for long enough, I could forget the shadows. They'd just melt away. 

I keep a globe on the window sill. I change it every year because adventure isn't stationary. It doesn't just still, it evolves, it dances. The same way I know that she's still dancing. This world was too silent for her. She wasn't too loud. 

There's a world out there, I whisper and my words float in the wind. 

- Mum // by paintingtheocean 2016

Hello, the sun is shining, the clouds are out and I'm actually writing a blog post. I wanted to take this little website back to its roots - writing. I formed Painting The Ocean as a creative outlet; a place where I could write and project my thoughts in a simplistic yet aesthetic way. This blog has always been the source of anything I've ever done on the internet and, truthfully, I miss it. It feels neglected... like its lost some of the magic it brought me and (hopefully) you too!

As you know, creative writing is my favourite hobby. I try to indulge in it as frequently as possible although recently it seems other things (Youtube, tumblr, Netflix etc) have taken its place. And that's not cool. So, hello, and enjoy this little something which dripped off my fingers quite literally two minutes ago. Like always, this is inspired by a picture I found on tumblr.

Let me know what other blog posts you'd like to see :)
-J

youtube // Jessie Maisie

instagram // oceanpainter_

tumblr// oceanpainter.tumblr.com