feelings #2

It has been longer than a year since I last posted something titled 'feelings'. Another is long overdue. My last post was written at the beginning of my GCSE year. Reading that back I feel an overwhelming sense of achievement, accomplishment.

And yet now, with another set of exams looming over me,I feel demotivated. Relaxed even. Ideas about the future are toying with me, grappling with me, consuming my everyday. And they're not frightening, they're exciting. I'm excited. University, social media, writing, new friends, holidays, festivals, travel... so many experiences I've got to look forward to that it is becoming increasingly harder to  remain in the present. To ground myself. 

I have never been stationary. I  always look toward the next thing, searching for the next adventure. I am never complacent. And that can also hinder my progress. There's a book on my shelf- I call it my 'ideas book'- in which I plan and dream up developments on social media. Some days I wake up determined to 'make it' as a YouTuber. My tripod is ready, the camera recording and then I just f r e e z e. Slow down. Blink. Other days I wake up with a hunger for money- a greed for adventuring and the cost that it demands. 

I want so much. I keep wanting, I keep dreaming of more and more. 

It's obsessive. Success. And I'm so tired.

Living is running in to the ocean with your best friend, they say. Living is jumping out of a helicopter in a suit, YouTube will tell you. Living is performing in front of thousands of fans every evening, the media will scream. How can we not want more? 

Steps. Thoughts. Breathing. There are steps I need to take to reach university, to afford festivals and aeroplane tickets. These steps may seem tiresome, tedious even, but they are fundamental. Exceptionally so. There are thoughts I remind myself when I feel I'm losing reality- when I'm off in a dream scape and suddenly I'm the next big 'thing' with money and a fan base and a big house and movie premier's. There are breaths in between. Little things like laughing with my best friends; taking a walk; smiling at the old lady next to me on the bus; pushing myself at school/ work; dancing through the night. 

Because that's life isn't it? Living.

Thank you again for reading. 

-J

change, happiness + a sky

I've been thinking a lot about happiness and how we let other people define it. I've also been thinking a lot about change and how it can be hard- very hard. I read some of old diary entries from when I was 15, today. It was odd: I saw similarities, I saw differences but mostly I saw an insecure teenage girl letting others define her happiness. 15 was an age of loss, and consequently strength. 16 was an age of loss, and consequently gains. And today I had an epiphany.

I am going to create my own happiness.

Looking back at the beginning of this year, I was so happy. Everything felt right, I fitted in, I had so many friends, I felt loved. And this, to me, was happiness. But things have changed now. And this time, I'm not going to be a 15 year old girl frightened of the movement, scared that without this definition of happiness she was never going to achieve it again. And hey, guess what? She did. She was strong, she found hope and for a short while it felt amazing. 

Change. Again.

I've never really liked change. When life is good- change is unwanted. When life is harder- change is craved. And similarly to not letting other people define my happiness, I can't shape other people's around my own. Bursts. Some parts of your life are like bursts- they come in transient moments before leaving and then coming back again brighter, stronger before leaving once more. Maybe they'll come back? Maybe they won't. Some parts of your life are like skies, always there. Sometimes they're brighter, other times they're dimmer but still never wavering- still a beautiful sky. You don't need to hold on to the sky: the sky holds on to you. You can try to hold on to the bursts but it won't help. Change is inevitable, it's what keeps the world evolving, emotions changing, moments and bursts to keep happening. 

I could look back at these bursts with sadness, mourning- wishing they could just stay a little longer. Recently, I haven't been in control of my own happiness. Now I need to change. Embrace your bursts, live under the sky but always remain in charge. These moments - as long or short as they are- enable me to adapt. They should be valued but not mourned because soon enough change will come again. And maybe, if you're lucky, they might come back... ready to be a sky. 

"make a life out of what you have not what you're missing"

-J

picture from my tumblr

feelings

I try to keep my blog as 'real' as possible. I don't try to fabricate a perfect life although I'm aware that most of my posts are positive. Sometimes I need to be real and write down how I feel...to express and collate my thoughts in to a paragraph.

Being sixteen can be overwhelming sometimes. I'm predicted high grades at school. Great. What happens if I don't get them? What happens if they were wrong and I'm not an A* student? Have I failed? A few weeks ago I got my English Language result back and I broke down. It was ridiculously embarrassing and I felt stupid and selfish for crying over a 'good' grade but for me it wasn't a 'good' grade. I had failed myself and my teacher and the subject which I love most in the world felt like a heavy rock. A rock I couldn't hold any more. So my teacher took me outside the classroom and told me that an exam is never reflective of your ability. He said that it didn't change how he viewed me as a writer and that I should NEVER loose enthusiasm. I will try to remember this as I get that envelope in the summer. I am intelligent. I am brave. I am special. One grade on a piece paper in no way equates to that.

The future is another topic that has been burying itself in to my brain. A levels. Degrees. CV. Personal Statements. Summer Camps. Work Experience. Help. If you excuse the cliché simile, it literally is like sitting in a car with no brakes. Yesterday I felt everything crumble on top of me. I found a degree and I started to get excited and planning and telling my mum at 60mph and texting my friends and then silence. The excitement wavered and I just felt... empty. You've got time, I told myself. One step at a time. Opportunities will arise. Doors are there to opened. Not yet though , you've got time.

I then lay in my bed and cried. Crying is never a sign of weakness. Your tears are a part of your identity as your thumb print is a part of your DNA. I cried because  I needed to release. I cried and I laughed and I smiled and I prayed and then I just stayed still. That moment, in bed with my fairy lights on and Sleeping At Last playing in my ears, I felt at peace. Never feel afraid to cry,

That was pretty scary, writing all that down. I hope you guys gain something from it, whether that be comfort or help. Stay strong and remember to close your eyes and breathe.

-J

*creds to tumblr for the picture*

thoughts on 365 days

365 days is a long time 

Or is it?

365 days generates tears, laughter, mourning, despair, tragedy, happiness, love

A continuous cycle of three, six and five

All with the ability to rocket 

Or plummet

Each day either better than the last

Or worse 

365 days finishes with a bucketful of naive optimism

Hope

365 days is a year

And a year is a fraction of life

Tiny

Yet significant

If you make it so

Sometimes it is out of your control

And that's okay too

Just live this next year 

And ride it out because

365 days is a long time

I am aware that the above poem is not my best writing, however it is truthful. People do try to dive in to 2015 or 16 or 97 or whatever with large amounts of hope and desires. If little things have gone wrong in the previous year they are told to forget about it and make the following 365 days the best yet. In some retrospect, I do agree with this thinking. And in others I don't. Life can be uncontrollable. Death is a part of life, the same way sadness and laughter is. I have goals for the new year but if I don't achieve them I won't see it as a fail. Or a bad year. A bad 365 days. But as another year of wisdom. And life.

2014

// I created my instagram account (which now has 5.2k followers)

// This blog reached 100 followers!

// I collaborated with several companies

// I turned 16

// I completed several of my GCSE's

// I lost friends and developed new ones

// I had ups and downs

... I lived

2015 aspirations

// To get an A* in five of my GCSE's

// To host several giveaways

// To reach 10k on my instagram

// To get a job

// To go abroad

// To strengthen friendships and build new ones

// To find happiness in dark places

... to live

Here's to another 365 days of life,

-J

the ramblings #1 // living that tumblr life

This is the back bone behind my new series of posts, 'the ramblings'. Whilst I was reading the replies to my survey [x] some very honest soul said that my blog content was a bit shallow. And now I think I understand what she/he means. So in response to this wonderfully honest person I will be writing about less shallow and more thought provoking topics. That make you think. And smile. And relate to. Hence the use of ramblings.

Living that tumblr life  If you reflected on the amount of internet you used in the average day, I can honestly say that you would be shocked. Whether we are aware or not, the internet shapes our lives and consumes a good percentage of our thoughts. When I awake its hello instagram, when I go to sleep its why goodnight pinterest. And it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Yet, I have found that recently my mind is being controlled by this omniscient cyber king to the great extent that I have started to shape my own life around it. I go to starbucks and buy a ridiculously priced creamy cooler so I can post it on instagram, I take my phone everywhere in case a rad looking succulent stumbles in to view, I find myself wanting to meet with friends in 'tumblr' places so that I can take pictures. It is pathetic yet wonderful all at the same incomprehensible time. I don't want anyone to think my life is 'tumblr' or my bedroom is 'pinterest'worthy or that I eat 'instagram' food. I post the pictures because that is our world nowadays but believe me every starbucks/polaroid/succulent picture is not effortless. It has been moulded multiple times until I am happy with the look before taking a million shots at different angles in order to get those likes and gain those follows. I'm not saying I'm going to stop, in this lifetime it is almost impossible to not come across a starbucks or an american apparel without someone taking a picture. Yet, I want to highlight to anyone who reads this blog that that is not my reality. So I've taken some pictures. Pictures that portray my life in a very realistic way. Much more realistic than my non-filter policy on my instagram, much more realistic then any other blog post I have ever posted. These photos aren't tumblr or pinterest(y) or instagram(y). They aren't even attractive. They are just life. 

Thanks for reading this ramble, I really hope this style of posts interests you and maybe insights some thought?

-J

General Chatter

Hello! Today's post is a sort bumbling, un-structured chatty post where I am basically going to suggest some ideas other random shizz in the hope that it can improve my blog!

1. SURVEY- thank you so much to everyone who took part in my survey! I got about 4 responses which I was really happy about and have given  me LOADS of new ideas. You can still take the survey HERE.

2. STRUCTURE- I'm thinking of coming up with a structure for my posts because at the moment it is really random. and I post when I want! What do you guys think?

3. COLLABORATIONS- I'm really hoping to expand my readership over the summer so if anybody wants to do a cheeky collaboration then let me know and shoot me an email :)

4. Q+A VIDEO- this idea scares me. Seriously. Yet, I love watching other bloggers share their videos and was hoping to give it a try so maybe *if I get enough YES' in the comments* then I will shoot one. If you have any questions for me to answer in this maybenotsureyetbuthopefully Q+A video then leave them in the comments please! 

Sorry this post was so boring- will be back soon with more exciting stuff :) 

-J

Credit to Tumblr for the picture