of nothing + everything.

I felt compelled to write a blog post. About what exactly... is the question I'm asking myself, right now, as I type this with pyjama bottoms, a messy ponytail and coursework waiting to be written.

Words are very strange and very fascinating. Somehow, what I'm thinking in my messy-messy brain can translate on to paper (or in this case, a computer screen). And then sometimes, somehow, words aren't enough and everything is just very blank and heavy and nothing.

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago when everything felt very jumbled and I was angry, sad, stupefied and very very tired:

I’m a myriad of thoughts, emotions, expressions, laughter, tears and stillness. How can you even begin to unpick what I’m feeling?

And I guess that 'you' could be nothing and everything all at once. Am I making sense? Maybe. It doesn't really matter... sometimes words are meant to be just that- words. 

(I've been studying Hamlet and it appears his soliloquy's are affecting more than I realised- oops). 

Everything is always romanticised. All the emotions. It's all a bit messy- like a jigsaw puzzle being forced together and we're told 'that's just life'. 

And sometimes I want to be completely in-eloquent and sum up everything (and nothing) with 'bleh.' 

So, yes, I feel as though I am at a war with words and feelings and all the little unspoken emotions threaded in between... 

Until next time,

-J

P.S. 201 followers on bloglovin'. Hell yeah! 

self + faces.

I.

There's a lot of self in this world, both online and not. Self esteem. Self belief. Self confidence. Yet as our self____  makes us smile,  it tears others down. Whilst their self____ radiates, we doubt ours. It's a vicious cycle and I hate it. I.

Have you ever looked a girl and thought, wow she's beautiful without automatically thinking, wow I'm not. Or wow, she's prettier then me. Hotter than me. Better than me... until you've reduced yourself to a lesser being. I know I have. We are such a critical race and criticise we shall. Everything. Our eyebrow shape, the size of our eyes, lips, skin, hair, teeth. Everything that ticks the box of 'human'. Scrolling through tumblr, I will see picture upon picture of beautiful girls. 'Beautiful'.

And yet they all look different. Beauty is so broad; why the hell can't you fit in to it too? And when I look at these girls I don't feel self belief or self confidence or self esteem. I feel self doubt. The same way every single person behind the camera would feel self doubt at seeing another 'beautiful' face. It's so sad that we can't appreciate beauty without criticising our own. That we can't say you're beautiful without thinking of our self.

I want to challenge us to compliment; to love other beauty and self love our own. Let's bring everyone up (including ourselves). Faces appreciating faces. That- that's beautiful.

As always, replies are welcome.
-J

just chat.

I wanted to change some things on this website. Like everyone, I've grown up- grown out of the same blogging identity I've carried around since I was thirteen. I'm inspired, uninspired, inspired, uninspired yet I am certain that I want this blog to grow with me.

I'm almost eighteen.

Things are changing in my life, constantly changing. I never have a stable mindset and am always, constantly, frantically looking to the next movement -  the next change. This blog has slowly, somehow slipped in to commercialism. If it's done right, I'm not against it. But so often it isn't and I'm scared that Painting The Ocean maybe moving in to isn't and that's a change I'm not okay with.

Working with brands is exciting. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it. BUT (because there's always a but isn't there?) I refuse to let that jeopardise the realism I've worked so hard to achieve on this blog. I refuse to become just another lifestyle blogger portraying something that isn't really a lifestyle at all.

Balance.

It's all about finding a balance. Balancing school work and a social life, balancing blogging and instagram, balancing writing and reading, balancing sleeping and staying awake. There are always going to be inequities- and that's okay- but for now, at least, I want to write. About everything. About nothing. About the in between that isn't  poeticised.  I love communication, strangers, expression and creativity...

So, yes, there is going to be a change. In myself, more than anything. Freedom. And it already feels so damn good.

-J

i just wanna be a rock star.

This a little something I wrote the other day on a long and pondering train journey inspired by the song "Rockstar" by A Great Big World. As always, interpret as you wish.

There's a lot of talk about 'life is what you make of it'. That you should quit your stifling city job and go and live, immerse yourself in this elusive freedom, sell all your clothes and wear bare-feet as you skim the pavement. Because that's living, isn't it? That's adventure. 

What you aren't told is that working to feed a family, eating an entirely boring meal of oven chips and chicken nuggets is living too. I struggle a lot with adventure and the unknown and how all I want is to run across a field with my skirt hitched way above my knees. Unfortunately, this isn't practical. It's not realistic, it's a fantasy thrown at us by social media. That's living, they say. 

But what I can't? What if I'm working in a job that I don't love, just tolerate. What I like my overpriced handbag and my overcrowded streets and crooked smiles from watery friendships? What if I'm stuck with deadlines, car horns and aeroplanes in the sky?

-J

feelings #2

It has been longer than a year since I last posted something titled 'feelings'. Another is long overdue. My last post was written at the beginning of my GCSE year. Reading that back I feel an overwhelming sense of achievement, accomplishment.

And yet now, with another set of exams looming over me,I feel demotivated. Relaxed even. Ideas about the future are toying with me, grappling with me, consuming my everyday. And they're not frightening, they're exciting. I'm excited. University, social media, writing, new friends, holidays, festivals, travel... so many experiences I've got to look forward to that it is becoming increasingly harder to  remain in the present. To ground myself. 

I have never been stationary. I  always look toward the next thing, searching for the next adventure. I am never complacent. And that can also hinder my progress. There's a book on my shelf- I call it my 'ideas book'- in which I plan and dream up developments on social media. Some days I wake up determined to 'make it' as a YouTuber. My tripod is ready, the camera recording and then I just f r e e z e. Slow down. Blink. Other days I wake up with a hunger for money- a greed for adventuring and the cost that it demands. 

I want so much. I keep wanting, I keep dreaming of more and more. 

It's obsessive. Success. And I'm so tired.

Living is running in to the ocean with your best friend, they say. Living is jumping out of a helicopter in a suit, YouTube will tell you. Living is performing in front of thousands of fans every evening, the media will scream. How can we not want more? 

Steps. Thoughts. Breathing. There are steps I need to take to reach university, to afford festivals and aeroplane tickets. These steps may seem tiresome, tedious even, but they are fundamental. Exceptionally so. There are thoughts I remind myself when I feel I'm losing reality- when I'm off in a dream scape and suddenly I'm the next big 'thing' with money and a fan base and a big house and movie premier's. There are breaths in between. Little things like laughing with my best friends; taking a walk; smiling at the old lady next to me on the bus; pushing myself at school/ work; dancing through the night. 

Because that's life isn't it? Living.

Thank you again for reading. 

-J

there's a world out there.

There's a world out there, she said. There were crinkles in her eyes as she did: like indentations on a map scorned over years of travel; thumb prints that marred the surface in gentle caresses. She tapped on  the window like it wasn't there. Like if she pushed hard enough she would fall. No, not fall. Infinity would catch her. Her eyes were the perfect echo of adventure. And when I searched for long enough, I could forget the shadows. They'd just melt away. 

I keep a globe on the window sill. I change it every year because adventure isn't stationary. It doesn't just still, it evolves, it dances. The same way I know that she's still dancing. This world was too silent for her. She wasn't too loud. 

There's a world out there, I whisper and my words float in the wind. 

- Mum // by paintingtheocean 2016

Hello, the sun is shining, the clouds are out and I'm actually writing a blog post. I wanted to take this little website back to its roots - writing. I formed Painting The Ocean as a creative outlet; a place where I could write and project my thoughts in a simplistic yet aesthetic way. This blog has always been the source of anything I've ever done on the internet and, truthfully, I miss it. It feels neglected... like its lost some of the magic it brought me and (hopefully) you too!

As you know, creative writing is my favourite hobby. I try to indulge in it as frequently as possible although recently it seems other things (Youtube, tumblr, Netflix etc) have taken its place. And that's not cool. So, hello, and enjoy this little something which dripped off my fingers quite literally two minutes ago. Like always, this is inspired by a picture I found on tumblr.

Let me know what other blog posts you'd like to see :)
-J

youtube // Jessie Maisie

instagram // oceanpainter_

tumblr// oceanpainter.tumblr.com

change, happiness + a sky

I've been thinking a lot about happiness and how we let other people define it. I've also been thinking a lot about change and how it can be hard- very hard. I read some of old diary entries from when I was 15, today. It was odd: I saw similarities, I saw differences but mostly I saw an insecure teenage girl letting others define her happiness. 15 was an age of loss, and consequently strength. 16 was an age of loss, and consequently gains. And today I had an epiphany.

I am going to create my own happiness.

Looking back at the beginning of this year, I was so happy. Everything felt right, I fitted in, I had so many friends, I felt loved. And this, to me, was happiness. But things have changed now. And this time, I'm not going to be a 15 year old girl frightened of the movement, scared that without this definition of happiness she was never going to achieve it again. And hey, guess what? She did. She was strong, she found hope and for a short while it felt amazing. 

Change. Again.

I've never really liked change. When life is good- change is unwanted. When life is harder- change is craved. And similarly to not letting other people define my happiness, I can't shape other people's around my own. Bursts. Some parts of your life are like bursts- they come in transient moments before leaving and then coming back again brighter, stronger before leaving once more. Maybe they'll come back? Maybe they won't. Some parts of your life are like skies, always there. Sometimes they're brighter, other times they're dimmer but still never wavering- still a beautiful sky. You don't need to hold on to the sky: the sky holds on to you. You can try to hold on to the bursts but it won't help. Change is inevitable, it's what keeps the world evolving, emotions changing, moments and bursts to keep happening. 

I could look back at these bursts with sadness, mourning- wishing they could just stay a little longer. Recently, I haven't been in control of my own happiness. Now I need to change. Embrace your bursts, live under the sky but always remain in charge. These moments - as long or short as they are- enable me to adapt. They should be valued but not mourned because soon enough change will come again. And maybe, if you're lucky, they might come back... ready to be a sky. 

"make a life out of what you have not what you're missing"

-J

picture from my tumblr

goodbye 2015// hello 2016

tumblr inspiration

I still haven't quite decided if I like the New Year or not. I think there's a lot of expectations that everyone just assumes can be fulfilled by one day- one night- one transition in to another January. There's also a lot of brushing over. People say, "Oh yeah that's fine- it's a new year... start fresh." But with that mindset are we ever fully finishing the canvas, or are we just painting over the scars when it  tarnishes the portrait?

I've accomplished a lot this year. This little fragment of my life. I've redeveloped friendships, strengthened them, took exams, proved to my self that I can be brilliant. I've started writing larger novels and sharing them with the world on fanfiction, I've created a youtube. Yet all of these are trivial in comparison: I've breathed. I've lived.

I don't necessarily like looking back and thinking, "Yeah, that was a good year." Because it wasn't. Because it was. Because how can we possibly box 365 days in to a single word: good or bad? Please circle. I prefer to look at moments. Time is scary. I'm scared. I get scared whenever I turn a year older. A year closer in to adulthood. A year more in to the crazy infinity of life and the universe and everything. A year has just gone of me breathing and surviving and living.
And in those days I've felt a thousand different emotions. I've seen a thousand different things through a thousand different view points. I've been me for another whole year...

Because maybe I don't want to put it to bed. Maybe I don't want to hinge everything upon a New Year because whose to say that those moments - my moments- are going to be anymore significant than a moment in another 365 days in the past or future. So I'm only going to set one goal for myself this year: to live. I'm want to braver, I want to be kinder, I want to live because living is what will get to me 2017, 2018, 2019 and so forth.

Let's all live, together.

-J

the infinite // short poem

And I used to run my hand through
The stars like the night was my 
Canvas
And infinity was my paint brush 
And we were everything
And 

Nothing. 

But there was something beautiful in our existence...
In our nothingness,
As we realised that a tiny dot 
A sparkle
Of a distant star was so much more than we could ever be 
And we took a picture
And I hung it on my wall
To remember 
That even an infinity can end. 

I've decided I will try and write a poem a week and post it on here. They never take very long- this one was quite literally a stream of conciousness spanning a whole 30 seconds! Writing keeps me grounded yet allows me to fly...

Life is pretty hectic at the moment: school, job and just living. I feel pretty tired all the time and am verging on an existential crisis.... Music and Tumblr help :)

I will try and take a few outfit photos soon!

Keep existing,
J

*photo from tumblr*

the social media thing// the ramblings

I recently addressed this on Instagram (ironic I know) and wanted to elaborate on here. Okay so, social media is not real. This is arguably the most important THING about it: it is not real. Anything anyone posts online, whether that be youtube, tumblr, instagram, twitter is not real. Because you are viewing it through a screen. You are capturing a moment and then compressing it in to a gif or jpeg or a mp4 file or whatever and that is NOT REAL.

Now, I love Instagram. I have over 6,000 people that follow my feed; that is 6,000+ people that have never meet me in the flesh. Sure,they've met Jessie, oceanpainter_.... but they have NEVER met Jessie. And that's dangerous. I can portray whatever the heck I want to these 6,000+ people and they would never know the truth. And I, like anyone on any social media ever, am guilty of that.

Recently, I have been imagining  becoming instagram famous or youtube famous. Basically becoming an internet phenomenon. Then I watched this video [x]. And then I found her website [x] and honestly, I have never been so inspired in my life. Her video scared me. It made me want to take everything I had of myself down from the internet.

But.

What if I was REAL? Okay, so nothing I ever post is going to be an absolute representation of what is going on in my life, but that doesn't mean that I cannot be free. Freedom is a powerful THING, let's prevent social media from compressing us. I believe that everyone has the ability to CHANGE something in the world-an opportunity- and maybe my opportunity is through instagram, or my blog? I have a freedom, a power to change something. And I don't want to abuse that power.

I'm not perfect. And I never will be. I don't ever post the bad stuff. The parts where I'm crying or feel unmotivated or depressed. Sometimes I feel ugly and unlovable. I'M HUMAN.

Everything I write and post is as real as one can be on social media. Or at least, I try. I never edit myself or change my appearance to please number. I would never objectify myself (although it is very tempting to sometimes want to). I  just want to be me, And to be free.

I want to write to make people think. I want to take pictures to inspire. I want to post a video to make people laugh. It is all too easy to fall in to the trap of social media- and I don't want to anymore. So heck, I'm going to post whatever I want because WHY SHOULD WE BE DEFINED BY A SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM?

So as my new inspiration so rightly says, "Let's be game changers!"

-J