Being sixteen can be overwhelming sometimes. I'm predicted high grades at school. Great. What happens if I don't get them? What happens if they were wrong and I'm not an A* student? Have I failed? A few weeks ago I got my English Language result back and I broke down. It was ridiculously embarrassing and I felt stupid and selfish for crying over a 'good' grade but for me it wasn't a 'good' grade. I had failed myself and my teacher and the subject which I love most in the world felt like a heavy rock. A rock I couldn't hold any more. So my teacher took me outside the classroom and told me that an exam is never reflective of your ability. He said that it didn't change how he viewed me as a writer and that I should NEVER loose enthusiasm. I will try to remember this as I get that envelope in the summer. I am intelligent. I am brave. I am special. One grade on a piece paper in no way equates to that.
The future is another topic that has been burying itself in to my brain. A levels. Degrees. CV. Personal Statements. Summer Camps. Work Experience. Help. If you excuse the cliché simile, it literally is like sitting in a car with no brakes. Yesterday I felt everything crumble on top of me. I found a degree and I started to get excited and planning and telling my mum at 60mph and texting my friends and then silence. The excitement wavered and I just felt... empty. You've got time, I told myself. One step at a time. Opportunities will arise. Doors are there to opened. Not yet though , you've got time.
I then lay in my bed and cried. Crying is never a sign of weakness. Your tears are a part of your identity as your thumb print is a part of your DNA. I cried because I needed to release. I cried and I laughed and I smiled and I prayed and then I just stayed still. That moment, in bed with my fairy lights on and Sleeping At Last playing in my ears, I felt at peace. Never feel afraid to cry,
That was pretty scary, writing all that down. I hope you guys gain something from it, whether that be comfort or help. Stay strong and remember to close your eyes and breathe.
-J
*creds to tumblr for the picture*
