anxiety, breathing, skin + bones.

I have been trying to think of an opening (or an anything) for this blog post because, like usual, I have NO PLAN. I just know I need to find some way to articulate this almost inarticulate state. Perhaps I shall start with writing a poem;

Monsters are not always hairy
With sharp teeth and aching limbs but sometimes 
Invisible 
Almost exciting, comforting 
(For the most part)
And you tell yourself that your monster is just fine. 
(How are you?)
I'm fine, thank you. 
But it's a lie because invisible or not,
Cosy or not, 
A monster is still a monster and it's finding a way to e a t 
You. 

My life has been a whirlwind. This is probably incredibly cliche but it is incredibly apt. Everything has happened, collapsed on my fragile brain, flattered my mere skin and bones. And they have been incredible, great things but crushing all the same.

And now I shall try and articulate these things (with a little help from analogies).

1. As most of you know, writing is my thing. It fuels me, excites me, helps me to process, escape and just live. I've never known if my thing has been good enough. Say, for example, you bake a salted caramel rainbow sprinkles jam sponge cake and give it to a group of people whom you know ADORE salted caramel rainbow sprinkles jam sponge cakes.  Obviously, they will say "ah that was so delicious." And then you get braver, riskier, and give the cake to the GBBO judges. You have no idea whether Mary or Paul have even tried a salted caramel rainbow sprinkles jam sponge cake, let alone liked one.

So they taste it... and they don't just like it, they LOVE it and they want  m o r e .

(Substitute the cake with 5 pieces of writing and you have the incredibly EXCITING thing that happened to me last week, after sending my creative writing off to my dream university).

Naturally, you freak out when Mary Berry and Paul like your unique cake. They are industry experts and you think "shit, maybe I'm actually good." And that's when you start re-thinking everything. You want to bake profusely, publish a recipe book, feed the whole world your cakes but you can't because your kitchen is too small and you've run out of ingredients.

2. On November 24th, I turned 18. The night before my 18th birthday I couldn't sleep. My heart was proliferating, I felt sweaty, my mind was shaking with ideas and worries and monsters. Even breathing proved tiring. I had just received all 5 of my uni offers and, oh my, was it overwhelming.
Because it turned out the other universities really liked salted caramel rainbow sprinkles jam sponge cake too.

((For those you that don't know, in England you choose 5 universities to apply too. If you get accepted you then just choose TWO universities. One as your firm choice (eg the university with the grade requirements that match your predicted grades) and one as your insurance (eg the university that has lower grade requirements than your predicted grades). If you get the grades for your firm choice on results day, you go there. If you don't, you go to your insurance.

BUT if a university really liked your application, they may offer you an unconditional offer if you put them as your firm choice. AKA you could get 3 E's and we would still let you on the course. Somehow, and I really don't know how, I got 4 unconditional offers which now means I must choose which one I go to and put as my firm choice. 

O V E R W H E L M I N G ))

*Disclaimer/ to iron out any misunderstanding* Obviously, I am thrilled with my offers. Ecstatic. But it still feels like an uncomfortable knot that I must try and unravel. Maybe no one else will understand? Maybe some one will? That's okay. This is just me trying to unpick my monsters (that maybe aren't even monsters at all?)

3. The feeling that I should have done more. I'm an adult now. Yesterday evening I abandoned all homework/revision and began frantically designing the cover for a poetry book!? Seriously. I just felt this impulsive need to self publish my poetry IMMEDIATELY like Rupi Kuar did with 'Milk + Honey'.

4. ANXIETY. I had my first panic attack two weeks ago. And it was definitely not fun. Since then I have been on and off ill, missing lessons and spending days in bed feeling like shit. I worry about the feeling, about missing out on life, missing lessons and this in turn makes me feel more ill. My heart trembles and dances angrily in my chest until I cannot focus on anything but the possible impending doom of heart failure.

It just all feels too much. A perverse pressure, an excitement that is manifesting itself in this horrible, persistent nausea. And I'm scared of this monster.

I guess I don't know quite how to dominate it yet.. But when I do, I shall definitely share.

Thank you for reading this mess,
-J

autumn + absences.

Oh dear. In my defence, school has been EXTREMELY work heavy recently. I guess that's predictable when you pick two essay subjects... I don't really have time for a thought-out, meaningful post that won't just come out as a disjointed ramble, so instead enjoy something beautiful autumnal pictures from tumblr. Am very looking forward to photographing again soon...

*Also, don't forget to follow my instagram + snap chat. I update significantly more frequently on there :)*

oh, autumn and a playlist.

we didn't notice the turning leaves, the wind or the bare branches until all at once summer was no longer drifting through our hair but in our memory and then we knew. oh, autumn. 

- a little poem the above pictures inspired me to write

Another playlist. I am so happy and relaxed in my favourite season. Here's to a beautiful, sun lit, darkened, crunchy, fresh, spooky autumn...

-J

of nothing + everything.

I felt compelled to write a blog post. About what exactly... is the question I'm asking myself, right now, as I type this with pyjama bottoms, a messy ponytail and coursework waiting to be written.

Words are very strange and very fascinating. Somehow, what I'm thinking in my messy-messy brain can translate on to paper (or in this case, a computer screen). And then sometimes, somehow, words aren't enough and everything is just very blank and heavy and nothing.

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago when everything felt very jumbled and I was angry, sad, stupefied and very very tired:

I’m a myriad of thoughts, emotions, expressions, laughter, tears and stillness. How can you even begin to unpick what I’m feeling?

And I guess that 'you' could be nothing and everything all at once. Am I making sense? Maybe. It doesn't really matter... sometimes words are meant to be just that- words. 

(I've been studying Hamlet and it appears his soliloquy's are affecting more than I realised- oops). 

Everything is always romanticised. All the emotions. It's all a bit messy- like a jigsaw puzzle being forced together and we're told 'that's just life'. 

And sometimes I want to be completely in-eloquent and sum up everything (and nothing) with 'bleh.' 

So, yes, I feel as though I am at a war with words and feelings and all the little unspoken emotions threaded in between... 

Until next time,

-J

P.S. 201 followers on bloglovin'. Hell yeah! 

spontaneity and a playlist.

spontaneity.

My word of the month. So exciting. So s p o n t a n e o u s. Let's act. Just go. Live.

Last Wednesday I did something so utterly spontaneous and so utterly freeing. Meeting a stranger can be incredibly daunting (will they like me? will it be awkward? what happens if we don't connect?) which is exactly why I didn't give myself a chance to feel nervous. I just did.

And now I'm going to just do.

Below are a few snaps of my London adventure with my new Dutch friend Sophie. And some very spontaneous songs to dance around to.  Urgh. I am now entirely in love with spontaneity and quite possibly even more addicted to adventure...

(above was taken on Ciara's 18th... we  slept in this beautiful tent and got a little bit drunk prank calling pizza places like 9 year olds)

All pictures were taken from my instagram (oceanpainter_) Do give the songs a try- they are so inspiring. 

Be spontaneously spontaneous in moments that beg for spontaneity,

-J

(let me know below any post ideas... I've got a few autumn ideas eek)

self + faces.

I.

There's a lot of self in this world, both online and not. Self esteem. Self belief. Self confidence. Yet as our self____  makes us smile,  it tears others down. Whilst their self____ radiates, we doubt ours. It's a vicious cycle and I hate it. I.

Have you ever looked a girl and thought, wow she's beautiful without automatically thinking, wow I'm not. Or wow, she's prettier then me. Hotter than me. Better than me... until you've reduced yourself to a lesser being. I know I have. We are such a critical race and criticise we shall. Everything. Our eyebrow shape, the size of our eyes, lips, skin, hair, teeth. Everything that ticks the box of 'human'. Scrolling through tumblr, I will see picture upon picture of beautiful girls. 'Beautiful'.

And yet they all look different. Beauty is so broad; why the hell can't you fit in to it too? And when I look at these girls I don't feel self belief or self confidence or self esteem. I feel self doubt. The same way every single person behind the camera would feel self doubt at seeing another 'beautiful' face. It's so sad that we can't appreciate beauty without criticising our own. That we can't say you're beautiful without thinking of our self.

I want to challenge us to compliment; to love other beauty and self love our own. Let's bring everyone up (including ourselves). Faces appreciating faces. That- that's beautiful.

As always, replies are welcome.
-J

procrastination + netflix.

I'm a cliche but Netflix. Yes, it may or may not have ruined my school life but Netflix. I've provided a  a little run down of my favourite Netflix adventures. Happy watching (and procrastinating). 

Stranger Things.  I must admit, I was reluctant to start this show. The hype scared me. And yet, obviously, I caved and.... l o v e d i t. It's spooky (but not overly so- I get horrendously scared by horror films and could only watch Harry Potter a few years ago without my head behind a pillow), it's touching and so unbelievably 80's. And the acting. If you like mysteries, plots and, in my opinion, amazing fashion then I highly recommend. 

Gossip Girl.  This was the first Netflix series I ever watched and was d e v o u r e d by me and my best friend. It's intoxicating. Character development, a certain 'ship' which I shall not spoil, and a mystery (of course) is what makes this series so addictive. It's escapism and the Upper East Side is an intriguing place to escape to...

How to get away with murder. I watched this in two days. Honestly, it's unhealthy. It's gripping and hooks you from episode one (trust me). Again, nothing too disturbing (I watched most of this in the dark, alone, at 11pm and survived) but so damn good. You will not want to stop watching. Ever. 

And I now want to be a lawyer. 

Pretty Little Liars Warning: this show will frustrate you. Seven seasons of not knowing is an agonising time and you'll soon find that as each season finale intensifies,  the desperation to KNOW does too. (This know will be apparent in the first episode of season one. Season. One.) That being said, there's something so incredibly addicting about PLL. I am entirely invested in these characters after such an emotional journey (and still going) that it would be cruel to turn off and leave. Definitely a good one to watch with a friend. Lots of very attractive people in Rosewood too...

And then my guilty pleasure. Once Upon A Time.  I can't deny that there are some serious plot holes; the seasons get progressively worse; the CGI is horrific and there are times where I am screaming at the writers.. and yet it still remains my favourite TV series. If OUAT gets you, it gets you. Utterly so. I would go as far to say that it is an obsession. The characterisation (for the most part) is superb and features one of my  favourite actor and actresses, Lana Parrilla and Robert Carlyle. The story line is enchanting, heart felt, clever and so ridiculously captivating. It a series of incredible depth, unspoken subtext and magic. And Swan Queen. 

Okay, that was fun. Post requests are always welcome.. 

-J

just chat.

I wanted to change some things on this website. Like everyone, I've grown up- grown out of the same blogging identity I've carried around since I was thirteen. I'm inspired, uninspired, inspired, uninspired yet I am certain that I want this blog to grow with me.

I'm almost eighteen.

Things are changing in my life, constantly changing. I never have a stable mindset and am always, constantly, frantically looking to the next movement -  the next change. This blog has slowly, somehow slipped in to commercialism. If it's done right, I'm not against it. But so often it isn't and I'm scared that Painting The Ocean maybe moving in to isn't and that's a change I'm not okay with.

Working with brands is exciting. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it. BUT (because there's always a but isn't there?) I refuse to let that jeopardise the realism I've worked so hard to achieve on this blog. I refuse to become just another lifestyle blogger portraying something that isn't really a lifestyle at all.

Balance.

It's all about finding a balance. Balancing school work and a social life, balancing blogging and instagram, balancing writing and reading, balancing sleeping and staying awake. There are always going to be inequities- and that's okay- but for now, at least, I want to write. About everything. About nothing. About the in between that isn't  poeticised.  I love communication, strangers, expression and creativity...

So, yes, there is going to be a change. In myself, more than anything. Freedom. And it already feels so damn good.

-J

sunset talks // introducing my new jewellery

I have always found excitement in creating; evolving my ideas, learning and taking inspiration from other creative outlets. My blog has been a platform for so many of my ambitions- creations- and am just so EXCITED to share a project that I have been working on for several months now...

Julbox is an upcoming, innovative new website where YOU can design your own jewellery. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to design my own range of six necklaces that are now available to purchase on my own webpage as part of the Julbox family! The process was surprisingly extremely easy, fun and just so empowering- particularly upon delivery.

Below are some images introducing you to my six designs. Taking inspiration from organic forms in nature and contemporary shapes, these necklaces all embody a different meaning (which can be found on the shop website). I hope you love them as much as I do...

Browse my whole Julbox collection (with prices): https://goo.gl/PXv1gq

You're going to make it work (and it's going to be wonderful),

-J

is youtube healthy + interview.

YouTube. YouTubers. To many the idea of filming of themselves in such an intimate way is terrifying, alien, maybe even ridiculous? I have often found myself staring at a screen thinking "hey talking to a camera looks fun" then come my turn; freeze and feel stupid. This platform is exciting, creative and innovative yet it can also be dangerous, self obsessed and absorbing. Truthfully, YouTube isn't reality. But that doesn't mean that every YouTube channel wears a facade... 

One of my favourite YouTubers (22 year old, Ellie Steadman) kindly agreed to be interviewed for this blog post.  I truly admire her authenticity and ability to be so 'real' on a platform that has the potential to swallow and coax you in to portraying a perfect lifestyle. Her weekly vlogs are just that- a week. A week of highs and lows, ups and downs, peaks and troughs (and what ever other cliche phrase there is to describe life). I hope you find this an interesting insight in to the online world...

1. Do you ever feel pressured to slip on a 'mask' when filming?

Not at all, I think once you start trying to become something you are not then you’ve lost your way in the world of YouTube. 

In my opinion YouTube should be about being yourself and making videos you love and are proud of. I’ve focused on being real and myself since I started and one of the nicest comments I receive is when someone says they love my channel because they think I’m honest, normal and relatable. It’s so easy to only show the best bits of your life when editing for YouTube but my life is in no way a fairytale and I’d never want my viewers to think that so I like to share the good and the bad. 

2. What is your favourite form of escapism?

My favourite form of escapism is being in a Disney theme park. When I am there I am doing a lot of things for YouTube and Social Media so it’s not a complete switch off, but it does take me away from the reality of home and the problems of everyday life. When I can’t be at Disney I love a long bath with Lush products and facemasks, followed by a Disney movie in bed. 

3.  Has YouTube helped you evolve and, alternatively, has it hindered you in any way?

It’s a weird one for myself because I am not overly self confident within myself and struggle with some aspects of myself like my appearance. Everyone has days when they are negative about myself and I’ve found I do have these a lot as I’ve become quite self critical from putting so much of myself online. In some ways forcing myself to appear in vlogs when I maybe look and feel my worse has made me more confident in myself and reminds me that we are all human. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve got perfect winged eyeliner or messy hair, the things like that don’t matter as much as I used to think they did. 

I’ve also really grown in confidence from making videos, I feel really comfortable talking to a camera which is bizarre to a lot of people.  It’s also helped my confidence when it comes to being able to talk to strangers, especially since I’ve been lucky enough to meet quite a few subscribers and get to chat in person. Before YouTube the thought of talking to a stranger would make me feel incredibly nervous. YouTube has also taught me that there are always going to be people that dislike you or what you do, but for that person there will be more that love you and are supportive. I feel like I’ve made real friends from being on YouTube and am eternally grateful for the support I’ve received. 

A kind of negative that has come from YouTube is that I find it impossible to switch off and fully relax. I am always online in some way, I am pretty much glued to my phone and on social media or doing something online. When I’m not I worry that I’m missing replying to people, missing comments or not updating enough. I do love all that side of YouTube so it’s not a huge hindrance in my life but sometimes I wish I would go for a meal without picking up my phone to take a picture or check my tweets. 

4.  Do you ever feel disheartened when watching a 'perfect vlog' or seeing a picture on the Internet?

Absolutely sometimes I’ll watch something and think I wish I’d done that or why is my life not like that. But sadly I think that’s just how the world is now a days. Everyone wants something they don’t have and thinks the seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake. In reality nobody knows what is happening fully behind the scenes. Even daily vloggers will keep lots of things private and from having personal things happening in my life that I can’t share online I really appreciate that. I like to try to stay positive and focus on myself and what I am doing. Feeling disheartened about what others are up to won’t help my Channel! 

5. Living life through a lens. Healthy or unhealthy?

It’s both. There really are good and bad sides to it. 

It can be really unhealthy as it's really hard to not compare yourself to other YouTubers. To me numbers and stats is not what YouTube is all about. I’d rather have 100 comments from people that really enjoyed a video than 100 views and no response. For me YouTube is about interacting with viewers and building a community of people with similar interests. However for a lot of people and even people I know that do it, YouTube is about competing for the most subscribers or views. It can have a really competitive atmosphere which I find uncomfortable. 

It also can be addictive and take over if you don’t find the balance of living in the moment verses capturing everything. For me if I went on a Disney trip and didn’t vlog it then I’d feel incredibly strange, it’s part of my trips and part of my everyday life for me now. I feel really comfortable that I’ve found the right balance that works for me, I do think it takes a while to do this and it’s one of the questions I get asked a lot by people wanting to start YouTube channels. I think if it becomes an effort or you simply don’t want to get the camera out then don’t! It’s so important to live in the moment and create memories in that way for yourself as well.  

I no longer get mad at myself if I miss a magical moment, forget to show a meal or don’t get the best parade angle for example. The people that watch are incredibly supportive and happy for me to share what I want to. They understand it’s a lot of extra work involved and that I do the best I can! I honestly absolutely love it though and would be so sad if I couldn’t vlog, post updates and be on social media. It’s a huge part of my life now and I wouldn’t want it any other way. 

6. And of course, a Disney question. Favourite quote?

I have so many it’s hard to pick just one!

"The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." — The Lion King.

“She warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within.” – Beauty and the Beast

“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – Winnie the Pooh 

Follow Ellie;

YouTube // [x]

Instagram // [x]

Twitter // [x]

Keep smiling,

-J 

soon + summer bucket list.

This is my bucket list for August. I've been feeling so inspired recently yet this feeling has been accompanied by a horrible loneliness and a sense of trapped(ness?) School is so incredibly time consuming- so much so that I have had to say no to things because of its pressure this summer. It's draining. I want to write and photograph and laugh and I can't because I'm stuck in this educational system. Urgh. 

Above are some pictures from my tumblr that keep me motivated. I look at them and think 'soon'...because 'soon' I'll be finished with this stage in my life and 'soon' I'll be on an aeroplane exploring a new city across the ocean and 'soon' I'll be laughing with a freedom I haven't experienced in a long while. Happiness isn't always found in the most conventional sense. 

This too shall pass,

-J

*apologies for my messy writing this morning*

(I have been thinking of posting some more of my writing on here, let me know if you would be interested. There are also two new videos up on my YouTube channel - link in side bar)

adventure diary + summer.

Summer. It's hinged on impossible realities, expectations and perfectly filtered action laughter. If you're anything like me, you will have fabricated the perfect summer in your head with the helps of Alexis Ren and Jay Alvarrez and pretty much every other American travel video maker. 

Life isn't always what social media makes it out to be. "Summer" can be achieved for little to no money, good music and even better friends. I challenge you to drop the idea that everything you do needs to be like what the pictures portray. Because that isn't always REAL.

Travel to your local city; laugh at your best friends; jump in to the freezing ocean. Adventure is out there- no matter where you look.

-J

P.S. please subscribe ;)

i just wanna be a rock star.

This a little something I wrote the other day on a long and pondering train journey inspired by the song "Rockstar" by A Great Big World. As always, interpret as you wish.

There's a lot of talk about 'life is what you make of it'. That you should quit your stifling city job and go and live, immerse yourself in this elusive freedom, sell all your clothes and wear bare-feet as you skim the pavement. Because that's living, isn't it? That's adventure. 

What you aren't told is that working to feed a family, eating an entirely boring meal of oven chips and chicken nuggets is living too. I struggle a lot with adventure and the unknown and how all I want is to run across a field with my skirt hitched way above my knees. Unfortunately, this isn't practical. It's not realistic, it's a fantasy thrown at us by social media. That's living, they say. 

But what I can't? What if I'm working in a job that I don't love, just tolerate. What I like my overpriced handbag and my overcrowded streets and crooked smiles from watery friendships? What if I'm stuck with deadlines, car horns and aeroplanes in the sky?

-J

get happy now.

Hello! I often get asked what I do to cheer myself up when I'm having a bad day. The most wonderful thing about happiness is that YOU can create your own. It's a choice, everyday.

So here it is, my list of things I do to 'get happy' (all photos are my own, taken from my Instagram @oceanpainter_ ) ;

1// An instant pick me up involves sunshine, duvet, fairy lights and my laptop. Tumblr, Pinterest, Youtube, Netflix... something that I can relax in to and smile. My favourite TV programmes are Pretty Little Liars, Once Upon A Time, Glee and Sherlock.

2// Escapism. Reading. Anything that can transport you in to a different reality.

3// Literal escapism. I've developed a habit of disappearing in to nature when I feel lost. There are countless amount of times I've plugged my ear phones in and just ran. It is honestly the most liberating feeling in the world.

And even if you don't have a field or woodland to escape in to, just walk. Discover a new neighbourhood- sit on the grass and watch as the cars go by. Be at peace with yourself in that moment.

4 // Pennying is my favourite hobby. I like to skate during sunset hour. We have this big hill where I live with a little pathetic patch of woodland yet with a setting sun it becomes the most magical place on earth. I challenge all of you to take up a new hobby.

5 // I dream. Dreaming of adventure and all the amazing unknown things to come is so comforting. Life is going to throw so much excitement your way so embrace the changes and relish in the new waves of inspiration that come with it.

Because ultimately that's what it all comes down to. YOU. Don't rely on someone else to make you happy. Create your own ocean, paint your own canvas (and every other cheesy metaphor in the book) because f*@k it, this is your life.